"…to be a true anti-American, one must reject, say, Michael Moore or Noam Chomsky with the same enthusiasm as one does George W Bush or Ronald Reagan" – Third Avenue @ The Sharpener.

If you give a fuck about this story, then you should be beaten with an iron bar until the assorted bits of meat that were previously you are no longer recognisable as human.

This isn’t entirely true. Mild amusement at the fact that some awful wanker had a moderately unpleasant experience, if combined with psychotic increduility at the fact that anyone seriously cares, is permissible. Luckily for me.

US condiments group Heinz has bought UK condiments group HP Foods. No, I’m not getting SBBS and work confused: the New York Times‘s article on the deal features a great paragraph explaining English cuisine for American readers…

"HP Foods is famous in Britain for its namesake sauce, a spicy brown condiment often eaten with bacon sandwiches and "fry ups," a traditional English breakfast of eggs, sausages, bacon, beans, tomatoes and mushrooms."

They also make Worcestershire sauce, which is far preferable (in case anyone was wondering, condiments are officially ranked in this order from best to worse: Encona chilli sauce; Worcestershire sauce; mustard; mayonnaise; HP sauce; Heinz ketchup; other ketchup; rancid scrapings from tramps’ underwear; salad cream). (Via)

How can it be classed as racist to hate Scousers? They’re not a fucking race, even under the most clownish definition of ‘race’ you can possibly imagine.

(by all means feel free to make cheap-but-accurate shots in the comments around the theme "it should be classed as compulsory"…)

Absolutely top post from Harry of The Place on the stupidity of smoking bans in pubs. I’ve become so pissed off by society’s rising levels of sanctimonious prissyness towards smoking that I’m seriously considering applying for a job in BAT’s marketing department…

Against all odds, Peter Cuthbertson says something extremely sensible in the comments: "The most pathetic part of these comments is that some commenters have clearly internalised the idea that they possess some sort of natural right not to be bothered or irritated by other people’s smoke – even when they choose to venture onto private property owned by others. To anyone who believes in freedom/property, that makes about as much sense as saying that no one who finds the crying of babies irritating should be forced to listen to it, even if they choose to visit the homes of parents of young children. Nutters."

There was a screaming baby on my packed, rush-hour commuter train today. Its cries made my journey far more unpleasant than sitting opposite a man smoking big cigars would have done (even though the smell of smoke early in the morning does tend to make me retch). However, because I’m not a complete mentalist, I have no plans to lobby the train company to ban babies from its trains. Nor did I go up to its mother and say "excuse me, please can you put that baby out?".

"Never trust a man or woman who doesn’t do at least one of – meat, booze, fags, un-PC jokes. Or even if you trust them, never imagine that they’ll be any fun" – Old Peculier in Harry’s comments.

Actually, you can probably cut that down to just "un-PC jokes". I know non-smoking non-drinking vegetarians who are fun and trustworthy (well, I know one), implying that sick humour is the key factor here…

I’m not sure whether Denis Salnikov is a satirist or just the most absolute cunt ever to have lived. His columns are worth reading either way, despite your presumed total lack of interest in the Russian club scene.

Tim Worstall is an occasional satirist (and certainly not an absolute cunt). You should also read his latest Britblog Roundup, which gives a pleasing amount of attention to the Sharpener, which you should also read.

Who says cancer can’t be sexy?

I know I shouldn’t keep linking to crazyloons, but A Tangled Web seem to think not only that I’m a Galloway-lover, but also that he’s responsible for all of the deaths inflicted by Saddam and the Soviet Union.

Hope they’ve got a good libel lawyer; that’s all I’m saying. Oh, also – christing hell I’m drunk, and christing hell I hate being ill.

Today’s Friday feature, inspired by the Onion, is "ask a man with a vicious throat infection who also had no sleep last night".

Q: Dear man who’s ill and had no sleep last night, what do you think of this fantasist? Also, when are you going to stop using the Biased BBC comments section as a source of cheap laughs?

A: Fuck off, I’m knackered and in pain.

Q: Dear man who’s ill and had no sleep last night, what do you think about the government’s outrageous and disgusting protest exclusion zone? Are you going to join the planned mass protests?

A: Fuck off, I’m knackered and in pain.

Q: Dear man who’s ill and had no sleep last night, what do you think about the Iranian presidential election? Do you believe the frothing wingnuts who believe President Rafsanjani has sworn to obliterate Israel the second Iran gets nukes, or are you actually able to read?

A: Fuck off, I’m knackered and in pain.

Q: Dear man who’s ill and had no sleep last night, have you noticed that all the food you normally like eating contains absolutely shedloads of chilli, and that it’s almost impossible to find non-bland, non-minging unchillified prepared food in London?

A: Yes. Ow. Zzz.