Rural reactionary Laban Tall has a modest proposal:

"We have the best educated generation in our history, and we know what to do with knives. They’re for cutting and stabbing other people. At the same time our prisons are full of young ladies who delight in cutting themselves.

"From a free market, pro-choice, libertarian perspective, there may be something to be said for bringing these two groups of people together. I’m sure there are many young men of the FHM and Zoo generation who would pay good money to spend an hour or two cutting young women. The girls get the blood running down their arms and the money."

Update: Ally has a far better idea.

If you work in IT analysis, this is funny. If you don’t, it’s pretty meaningless.

In honour of the Daily Mail-itis going on in the comments section, here’s a little quiz from the magistrate.

A woman was out at night with a bag on her shoulder. A man approached her and tried to grab it. She screamed and fought him. He punched her arm to make her let go of the bag. A brave man who lived nearby intervened and was punched in the head. The assailant gave up and ran away. He had in fact been holding a broken glass bottle so his punches caused the woman to have lacerations that needed many stitches. The good samaritan also needed stitches to a head wound. In the melée the attacker cut himself, leaving blood that enabled the police to get a DNA match that resulted in his arrest. He pleaded guilty to Assault with intent to rob, and GBH. He had only trivial previous convictions. So what did he get?

The answer is here, but do take a guess before you read it…

This week’s Norm profile is of Alice Bachini, a Brit-blogger who ran away to Texas because she couldn’t bear living in a place that wasn’t filled with gun-toting fundamentalist warmongering maniacs.

She seems to be rather out of touch with Euro-weenie sentiment, however:

Q: If you could choose anyone, from any walk of life, to be President, who would you choose?

A: Arnold Schwarzenegger, just to annoy the rest of the world

No, seriously, dear: we’d absolutely love it if the current corrupt gurning maniac were removed from power and replaced by *anyone* less right-wing than him. Indeed, we’d choose Arnie over any major Republican (except perhaps Guiliani and Pataki). Admittedly, we’d choose almost literally anyone not in the Republican party over Arnie, but this isn’t the point.

(also, how does Norm pick his interviewees? They seem to meander wildly between "interesting-and-heard-of" and "neither-of-the-above"…)

This might be the best analysis yet of the chances of a US invasion of Iran, and of how such an invasion would go. I’m starting to rethink my prediction that, just because winning a war with Iran would be impossible, the US administration won’t start one.

"Your other contributors forget that concepts such as the presumption of innocence, free legal aid and human rights are a luxury. They do not apply in a post 9/11 world." – Roger, London, England, in a BBC "Have Your Say" poll.

I’ve never wished death at the hands of terrorists on anyone before. Congratulations, Roger, London, England – you’ve persuaded me to make an exception to that policy.

Dave says it all. He’s not a happy man, and you absolutely need to read his article.

If you’re not disturbed and appalled by the UK government’s decision to suspend habeas corpus for foreigners and British citizens alike, you really need to question your priorities.

Political correctness has removed time-honoured traditions such as infibulation from mainstream western culture. But there’s no need to worry: if you think your chattel wife is enjoying sex too much, then you can still purchase AbsorbShun wetness absorbing powder.

Admittedly, "use of AbsorbShun natural powder in any quantity may cause temporary tenderness and micro abrasions to the genital area". No matter; as befits a chattel, hoof cream will clear up the problem: "what I personally use is a protein moisturizer [ie. Mane ‘n Tail – Original Hoofmaker]".

The fact that some people might actually want to use this product makes me feel ill, which seems odd given that I don’t have any particular problems with heavy S&M. I guess the difference is that heavy S&M participants view it as liberating, whereas this is… just… nasty.

(via World O’Crap)

Condolences to the families of the 11 people in LA who’ve died at the hands of an imbecilic car driver while trying to catch a train into work.

As I’ve said before, despite railways’ general isolation from the road network, the idiots who drive cars still manage to be one of the largest causes of rail fatalities, as well as wiping out scores of pedestrians, cyclists and (less distressingly) each other.

Forcing car drivers to go through the same regular safety checks as train drivers and airline pilots would be a Bloody Good Idea; it would save far more lives at a lower cost to society than most of the daft things done in the name of ‘health & safety’. And yes, I know that far too many drivers are whining selfish dickheads for this to actually be viable in practice – nonetheless, when I’m dictator, this will be the law.

The natural disaster joke for which footy pundit Rodney Marsh was sacked wasn’t racist, and was arguably moderately funny. ("David Beckham was asked to sign to Newcastle, but he said no because he’d heard the Toon Army killed a load of people last month").

Calling someone a "fucking lazy nigger" is appalling, even if it’s meant non-racistly; hence fellow pundit Ron Atkinson’s sacking last year was warranted. That, however, is different from making jokes that use natural disasters to mock a dim footballer.

The tsunami is both an appalling tragedy, and a perfectly acceptable source of humour. If you think accepting the latter diminishes the former, then you’re an idiot.