Public information moment: "Melanie Phillips spank" is not a term for which anyone should be searching. Go view some bestiality like a normal person…

Roger Scruton, who claims to be a philosopher, has signed up to write for a new blog made up of conservatives who claim to be philosophers. Rather imaginatively, it’s called "The Conservative Philosopher".

I look forward to reading Mr Scruton’s insightful and well-researched contributions.

I’ve long been a big fan of bad song parodies and bleak Victorian novels. So imagine my delight on discovering this combination:

Hey Jude

Don’t make it bad.

It already is,

It won’t get better.

Remember, you’re just a pawn of fate.

And it’s too late

To make it better.

Hey Jude, you’re gonna die.

And so are lotsa folks who’ve metcha.

Remember the shit that happened to Tess?

That kinda stress

Is going to getcha.

Additional verses welcome, albeit unnecessary. From B3TA.

Rural reactionary Laban Tall has a modest proposal:

"We have the best educated generation in our history, and we know what to do with knives. They’re for cutting and stabbing other people. At the same time our prisons are full of young ladies who delight in cutting themselves.

"From a free market, pro-choice, libertarian perspective, there may be something to be said for bringing these two groups of people together. I’m sure there are many young men of the FHM and Zoo generation who would pay good money to spend an hour or two cutting young women. The girls get the blood running down their arms and the money."

Update: Ally has a far better idea.

If you work in IT analysis, this is funny. If you don’t, it’s pretty meaningless.

In honour of the Daily Mail-itis going on in the comments section, here’s a little quiz from the magistrate.

A woman was out at night with a bag on her shoulder. A man approached her and tried to grab it. She screamed and fought him. He punched her arm to make her let go of the bag. A brave man who lived nearby intervened and was punched in the head. The assailant gave up and ran away. He had in fact been holding a broken glass bottle so his punches caused the woman to have lacerations that needed many stitches. The good samaritan also needed stitches to a head wound. In the melée the attacker cut himself, leaving blood that enabled the police to get a DNA match that resulted in his arrest. He pleaded guilty to Assault with intent to rob, and GBH. He had only trivial previous convictions. So what did he get?

The answer is here, but do take a guess before you read it…

This week’s Norm profile is of Alice Bachini, a Brit-blogger who ran away to Texas because she couldn’t bear living in a place that wasn’t filled with gun-toting fundamentalist warmongering maniacs.

She seems to be rather out of touch with Euro-weenie sentiment, however:

Q: If you could choose anyone, from any walk of life, to be President, who would you choose?

A: Arnold Schwarzenegger, just to annoy the rest of the world

No, seriously, dear: we’d absolutely love it if the current corrupt gurning maniac were removed from power and replaced by *anyone* less right-wing than him. Indeed, we’d choose Arnie over any major Republican (except perhaps Guiliani and Pataki). Admittedly, we’d choose almost literally anyone not in the Republican party over Arnie, but this isn’t the point.

(also, how does Norm pick his interviewees? They seem to meander wildly between "interesting-and-heard-of" and "neither-of-the-above"…)

This might be the best analysis yet of the chances of a US invasion of Iran, and of how such an invasion would go. I’m starting to rethink my prediction that, just because winning a war with Iran would be impossible, the US administration won’t start one.

"Your other contributors forget that concepts such as the presumption of innocence, free legal aid and human rights are a luxury. They do not apply in a post 9/11 world." – Roger, London, England, in a BBC "Have Your Say" poll.

I’ve never wished death at the hands of terrorists on anyone before. Congratulations, Roger, London, England – you’ve persuaded me to make an exception to that policy.

Dave says it all. He’s not a happy man, and you absolutely need to read his article.

If you’re not disturbed and appalled by the UK government’s decision to suspend habeas corpus for foreigners and British citizens alike, you really need to question your priorities.