The quotes below the fold are purportedly real attempts by Japanese students at speaking English. I’m sceptical, but the friend who claims to have collected them while teaching English in Japan isn’t normally famed for her lying…

He wants to eat her for lunch.

My family is tree peoples.

Do you like fat women? I usually like thin women, but today I have to dance with a fat woman.

Last night I was meeting my mugger.

I go to Korea is very very child.

I didn’t want to get gang banged in Los Angeles.

She likes to give pleasure to the patients.

Can I help me?

What’s the no problem?

My pet is medium-young.

Who will I do?

She came in him late.

I speak China town.

I mailed a friend to my letter.

Michael Kennedy is gay!

I am very boring in class.

My mother dark a little.

Koreans taste very good.

My job was hostess (man).

I like money better than my boyfriend.

You have poor thing.

You’ve been shacked by a tark.(shark???).

I like little boy.

I studied myself.

I ate myself.

Is he a Jennifer?

You’re my socks.

You’re a bank? No he doesn’t.

I will eat out my friend.

How many puke do you do?

He bump me up.

Teach me how to have children.

I wanted to beef.

Everyday I eat my house.

Did you get any penis butter?

My mother is April 7th.

What is the opposite of quite? “shut up!”

The sheriff talked to his Willy.

He knows his Willy.

They grabbed his Willy.

I’ve already done my body.

How many balls do you have?

I had to play with him every night, and it was fun.

Are you good at walking my dog?

I will eat somebody.

Did you do yesterday?

I am sorry about coming at your party.

Why do you live??????

Does Bob have any boyfriend?

Are you a sports?

I wrote Harry Potter.

I always eat newspaper.

I finished my girlfriend.

I ate fried maggots.

I like green plants to relax.

They were driving in the hospital.

Can I borrow a friend?

He is standing on her behind.

I’LL DO THEM ALL!!!!

Mt. Everest is 8848 millimetres high.

Sally’s Daddy doesn’t have a cock.

I sometimes swim near the pool.

What’s he doing? He’s a bonehead.

Where do you want it?

I’m interested in your package.

My hobby is brain soccer.

They do their mother.

Would you vegetable?

Who is your favourite bicycle?

So, you are a shitty lady.

The president is candy.

How did you feel the food?

He made an accident.

Who did the lunch cook yesterday?

My blood is cold like a snake.

What is your length?

The tiger is eating his friend.

The lion is sleeping with his wife.

My family comes in my house.

Her favourite movie is sex men.

Oh, are you hard?

John Lennon was shooted by a stupid man.

What do you call a man on his wedding day? A brideman.

If these are bridesmaids, these are groomsmaids.

Why do we see moon so big?

I look like watermelon robbery. (student 8 months pregnant)

My hobby is walking in my house.

Who is your favourite color?

Who are you doing on Friday night?

You look hard.

The biggest accident of all is that I can’t speak English.

I’m going to do the internet.

Who is your free time?

My mother doesn’t have a head!!!

Is your house the same as whores?

I want to be a man. (said by a woman)

My girlfriend is fat and ugly.

I rarely wear pants.

Do you eat Beaver in Canada?

I dicked my secretary.

Who is your favourite wife?

I am examinating.

What does organism mean? It means to be very happy.

I want to get laid often.

I am going high school student.

His brain was injured, he became a plant.

Clint Eastwood is Portugese.

I ate my friend’s family.

I’m watching a lot of pork.

I want some penis.

I have 4 people in his family.

Do any children a golf course?

My extra boyfriend plays golf.

I am very very boring.

We ate bird meat.

George lives in his mother.

How long have you been in sick?

What do you come to going to Japan?

My father is white hair.

Who did you do?

Are you like is cup of coffee?

My wife always comes in church every Sunday.

He’s shitting in the corner!

How does she yank?

I am a pretty big dog.

He wants her to play with him.

How long have you been a bank?

Yoko is John Lennon’s husband.

I did you is coming shopping.

I like fish on fire.

I satisfied my school.

She is a cock.

She is the wife of the rehabilitation centre.

Turn your shoes off!

Okinawa is very delicious.

Why do you come in Japan?

I like potato juice please.

Why can’t you study French? It’s too elephant to study.

My Spanish is very expensive.

There’s something in my head.

My hobby is drinking and driving.

Her car attacked my car.

How do we use come?

May I see the contents of your socks?

I’ll come over your house.

I forget that if I don’t remember. (teacher)

I haven’t been cooked for 1 week.

I want to do fat.

I am going to eat sushi bar.

He wants a new boyfriend.

She was eating herself.

She isn’t in the nightclub playing baseball.

I am harder than my brother.

He doesn’t taste fresh.

He’s eating his weiner.

Who is your favourite Beckham?

My job is balding.

She used to do her insurance agent.

He’s sorry for doing his daughter last weekend.

Where are you? Yes I am.

I like to smell your boos.

He’ll bring some cocks.

Do you have any bad parts?

My handlebars attacked the sign.

How long time did you time pump?

I like drinking people.

What’s he doing now? He’s eating breasts.

I came with Bob today.

You have a broken head.

I didn’t tell the teacher to start the lesson!

He’s going to rent his girlfriend.

He took a cock for her.

Alex isn’t shaving his legs.

What flavour is he? (teacher)

I was dangerous in Chicago!

It was a volcanic erection.

Can you ride me?

My cat came in me.

I walk the streets.

I am half delicious.

My phone was very confused.

I couldn’t get up my face.

I heard you had my brother.

I had to cook my daughters.

He became a politician since 1675.

Why should I eat some shit?

Do you compute?

Do you have any special esplanas?

Who do you usually play?

A man used to come with a vacuum and take away all of our shit and urine.

She is Prague’s mother.

I should hungry.

I sushied in my family.

I will come in your house.

Is it Barbara’s pussy?

I’ll bring you a cock.

My hobbit is working.

How long have you been studying English? School is 1:30 goodnight, 4:30 goodbye.