One of my favourite phrases is ‘total management incompetence’ (the correct pronunciation is in a very angry West Indian accent). It’s an excellent way of both expressing and defusing tension induced by any fuck-up perpetrated by authority, and I strongly recommend using it whenever possible.

The creator of these immortal words was a South West Trains guard in about 1996, during a tannoy announcement along the lines of ‘this train [our last train home] will now terminate at Woking due to…’. The journey home was painful, but the words made the suffering worthwhile.

Thank you, anonymous SWT guard, for enriching my vocabulary and my life.